First, I want to start by saying I’m sorry I haven’t posted. Life got in the way, and sometimes that really is the simplest and most truthful explanation. There are moments when life becomes so busy, overwhelming, emotional, or unpredictable, that the things you normally make time for get pushed to the side. Sometimes you’re just trying to make it through the day, handle what needs to be handled, and keep yourself together behind closed doors. I needed a little time to live, process, and deal with everything happening around me. But I’m back, and lately there has been something sitting heavily on my mind that I think a lot of people can relate to: Why is it so easy for people to see every fault in someone else, but so difficult for them to recognize their own?
It’s crazy how quickly people can create an entire list of everything you’ve ever done wrong. They remember the time you raised your voice, the time you had an attitude, the time you said something out of frustration, the time you reacted emotionally, or the time you simply didn’t handle something perfectly. They remember your tone, your reactions, your mistakes, and every moment you fell short. Somehow, those moments become evidence of who you are as a person. But when you bring up something they’ve done, suddenly there’s an explanation for everything. Suddenly there’s context that you’re supposed to understand. Suddenly you’re “bringing up the past,” “being dramatic, “starting an argument,” or refusing to let something go. Before you know it, the conversation isn’t even about what happened anymore – it’s about how you reacted to what happened.
I think one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that some people expect accountability from everyone except themselves. They want you to apologize, change, communicate better, control your emotions, understand their perspective, forgive them, and admit when you’re wrong. They expect you to sit down and reflect on everything you could have done differently. Yet when it comes time for them to do the same, somehow the rules change. Their actions are justified because they were angry, stressed, hurt, tired, frustrated, while your action are treated like a reflection of your entire character. Eventually, when this happens enough, you start questioning yourself. You start wondering whether maybe you really are the problem.
That’s when overthinking begins. Maybe I could have said it differently. Maybe I shouldn’t have reacted that way. Maybe I should have stayed quiet. Maybe I should have been more patient. Maybe I should have let it go. Maybe if I had communicated differently, everything would have turned out differently. Self-reflection is important, and I will never pretend that it isn’t. We should be able to look at ourselves and recognize when we were wrong. We should apologize when we hurt someone. We should recognize unhealthy behaviors and actively work to change them. We should want to grow into better versions of ourselves. But there is a huge difference between taking accountability for your actions and accepting responsibility for everything because the people around you refuse to accept responsibility for anything.
Sometimes people become so focused on your reaction that they conveniently forget everything that happened before it. They criticize the moment you finally lost your patience while ignoring all the moments you tried to communicate calmly. They talk about the boundary you finally put in place but leave out all the times you asked for respect before that boundary became necessary. They tell people the part of the story where you became angry, distant, frustrated, or exhausted, but somehow the events leading up to that moment disappear from the story. And while I absolutely believe we are responsible for how we respond to situations, I also believe accountability means being willing to look at the entire situation – not just the part that makes one person look bad.
That’s something I’m learning more and more as I get older: someone being upset with you doesn’t automatically mean you’re wrong. Someone misunderstanding you doesn’t automatically mean you failed to communicate. Someone disagreeing with your boundaries doesn’t automatically make those boundaries unreasonable. And someone refusing to acknowledge their role in a situation doesn’t mean you have to carry their portion of the blame just to keep the peace. There comes a point where constantly explaining yourself becomes exhausting, especially when the other person has already decided that everything is your fault.
But there’s another side of this conversation that I think is equally important, because it would be hypocritical to talk about accountability without looking at ourselves too. It’s easy to read something like this and immediately think of another person. You might be sitting there thinking, “Yep, I know exactly who needs to read this”. But maybe we need to read it too. When someone tells us that we’ve hurt them, do we actually listen, or do we immediately start explaining why we did what we did? Can we apologize without following the apology with “but you…”? Can we recognize that our intentions may have been good while still acknowledging that our actions hurt someone? Are we willing to give other people the same grace, patience, understanding, and accountability that we expect them to give us?
Real accountability isn’t about finding the villain in every situation. It isn’t about winning an argument, proving that you were right, or making sure the other person takes more blame than you do. Sometimes accountability is simply being mature enough to say, “I was wrong. I could have handled that differently. I hurt you even if that wasn’t my intention, and I’m going to work on it”. Those words don’t make someone weak. If anything, being able to admit when you’re wrong takes far more strength than constantly defending yourself. Imagine how different relationships, friendships, families, and even workplaces would be if people stopped keeping score long enough to actually look in the mirror.
Something else I’ve learned is that two things can be true at the same time. Someone can hurt you, and you can still admit that your reaction wasn’t healthy. Someone can be wrong about one thing while you were wrong about something else. You can love someone deeply and still recognize behaviors that need to change. You can forgive someone without pretending what happened was okay. You can take responsibility for your mistakes without accepting blame for things that were never yours to carry. Accountability doesn’t require one person to be completely innocent and the other person to be completely wrong. Sometimes both people have things they need to work on, but the relationship can only improve if both people are willing to admit that.
That’s where I’m at in life right now. I’m learning to own what belongs to me while refusing to carry what doesn’t. If I hurt someone, I want to acknowledge it. If I’m wrong, I want to be able to admit that I’m wrong. If there’s something about myself that needs work, I want to work on it because I never want to become the type of person who believes they can do no wrong. At the same time, though, I’m no longer interested in being the only person standing in front of the mirror while everyone else stands behind me pointing at my reflection. I can acknowledge my faults without allowing someone else to convince me that I’m responsible for every problem.
Accountability has to go both ways. You cannot constantly demand apologies while never giving them. You cannot expect someone to understand your feelings while dismissing theirs. You cannot demand communication while refusing to listen. You cannot criticize someone’s reaction while refusing to acknowledge the behavior that contributed to it. And you cannot expect relationships to become healthier if your version of “working things out” always requires one person to change while the other person remains exactly the same.
So, if you’re reading this and you’ve been questioning yourself because someone constantly finds something wrong with you, I want you to do something difficult: look at yourself honestly. Not through their eyes. Not through anger. Not through shame. Look at yourself honestly. Own your mistakes. Apologize when an apology is deserved. Change the things that genuinely need changing. Learn how to communicate better. Work on your triggers. Be willing to grow. But please don’t destroy yourself trying to become perfect enough for someone who refuses to examine themselves.
You are allowed to be a work in progress and still deserve respect. You are allowed to have flaws while recognizing when you’re being treated unfairly. You are allowed to make mistakes without allowing those mistakes to define your entire character. Growth isn’t about becoming perfect or proving to everyone that you’re a good person. Sometimes growth is becoming secure enough within yourself to say, “I know where I was wrong. I know where I need to grow. I know what I could have done differently. But I also know that not everything was my fault”.
At the end of the day, take accountability for your part. Learn from it. Apologize when you need to. Do better when you know better. Give people grace, but expect accountability too. Stop carrying everyone else’s portion of the story simply because they refuse to pick it up. You can acknowledge your faults without allowing them to become the only thing people see in you. And sometimes, the biggest sign of growth is realizing that you don’t need to convince everyone of your side anymore. You know what you did wrong, you know what you’ve worked on, and you know what you’re still working on. That has to be enough.
Until next time,
Between the Words
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